In my on-going tribute to the spiritual teachings to be found in pop star Lady Gaga, I want to highlight a profound gift she offers that is often misunderstood: permission.
In most religions and cultures around the world there have been sacred clowns, holy fools, and mystic mavericks that have the special role of breaking rules and norms in order to help the society evolve and grow. These crazy teachers typically live and operate outside the norms of their society and a critical function is to remind people that the dogma and rules of the community are intended to liberate people and not keep them stuck. When we become too attached to our roles, rules and assumptions about morality, they cease to function well.
Our traditions are at their best when they are dynamic, responsive and pointing us to a higher mystery and power than what we control as people.
Lady Gaga defies boundaries and some people think she “goes too far” or “makes no sense” or “offends the dominant cultural norms”… well, that’s the whole point. The biggest trap that most people are caught in is finding the sense of permission they need to make a change, ask for help, or choose a new direction in life. The biggest challenge most of my clients face is not a lack of clarity about what they love to do, but a lack of permission to act on it. When people like Lady gaga break massive taboos and norms, it’s a simple way of saying, “if I can do this, then surely your views, needs and tastes cannot be that ridiculous.”
In what area of your life do you wish you had more permission? Work, family, love??? Remember, permission is not something given, it’s something felt. Don’t wait for permission; choose your life.
In my ongoing saga of Lady Gaga insights and inspirations, I’d like to discuss a theme at her Monster’s Ball that really stopped me in my tracks and got me thinking. She kept saying things about not letting other people tell you who to be, and “choose who you want to be.” At first these don’t seem like very new or original messages. I spent much of last year promoting my book, Inspiration Deficit Disorder, which was all about finding, feeding, and choosing to be your truest self.
But my guru Gaga somehow spoke the same message in a way that translates into a radically different and important message that even I missed clarifying in recent years. In essence, my summary of what I heard in her message is choose yourself, which is different than be yourself. Be yourself implies that authenticity is best and that it is actually possible and better to know who you “really are” sooner than later.
Choose yourself, my new mantra, means that if we really want to be spiritual about all things, than we have to remove judgment even from the embrace of true self. Instead we offer empowerment, education and choice – then it’s up to you. Choose yourself means you can be anything, anyone, anyway, but you have to accept the consequences. If you want health and happiness, then of course I’d advise you to choose your most authentic self for a million reasons that I and a million others have written about. BUT, in the end it is still your choice. Maybe you don’t feel up to the journey of self-discovery, maybe you need to explore your shadow, or may you have some mistakes you need to make and learn from! There a so many paths a person takes in a life in order to learn, to love, to grow, to explore. They might not all be “authentic” in some abstract ultimate sense, but they are all choices and that’s what matters.
CHOOSE YOURSELF is about knowing your identity is not fixed and that we choose our stories, actions, assumptions and how we treat others and let them treat us every day. The wisdom of choose yourself lies not in the promise of a perfect life, or advice on what to choose, but instead it is about freedom, permission and awareness that identity and self-concept is a choice. It’s a powerful idea because it shapes your health, your mental state, your relationships, and your experience of the world. You can wake up and say “I am a healer” or “I am a renegade” or “I am an artist” or “I am a financial wizard” or “I am a gleaming spark of God” – it’s a choice. But as they say, with great power comes great responsibility. Once you have made your choice, can you live it fully? Can you be consistent? Will you be accountable? And in the end, if you need to, will you learn and grow and change and then choose yourself again? My tip for today, every day you wake up, take a few deep breaths, and choose yourself.
It is common medical knowledge that the vast majority of visits to the family doctor are stress-related. Moreover, we know with scientific certainty that stress, a sense of despair, and/or a lack of motivation can complicate most any surgery and aggravate nearly any condition. One of the core messages in my book Inspiration Deficit Disorder is that a sense of joy, inner peace and purpose are not luxuries or qualities reserved for the psychologically inclined - such qualities are critical to health in every sense of the word.
Among the many tools I teach and use are three simple questions that could change your life. You can ask yourself these questions when you feel stuck to gain perspective, you can sit quietly and review them every morning, you can review these questions when you are on retreat, or when faced with a big decision. The questions are:
Who am I - really? (Do my roles define me or do I define my roles, am I caught in stories of who I should be?)
What matters most? (Have my priorities slipped, am I worrying about the right things, do my choices reflect my values?)
Which relationships are truly important? (Do I demonstrate honor and respect for those I love, do I appreciate those I depend on, do I make time to enjoy those I feel supported by?)
Ask these three questions as often as you need to until you feel clear and satisfied with your answers. Then after time has passed, review the questions again.
Your answers to these three questions should be your guiding light in difficult times and the vision that keeps you on track and grateful in good times.
It’s fun how complicated and simple all this personal growth stuff can be. In some moments we become mired in self-analysis, a desire to understand and transform, and the very process itself keeps us stuck. We can become fixed on “getting it right” and “figuring it out.” Other times, it all seems so simple; it’s hard to imagine we were ever stuck.
A simple rule of thumb I remember from kindergarten is, “be nice.” In any given moment, whether its psychologically loaded or an issue of little meaning, you can always take a deep breath, then take another deep breath, step away from the situation for just a moment (in your mind or physically) and then simple ask yourself, “how can I be nice.” It means “how can I bring kindness to my thoughts and actions.” You don’t need to analyze or understand the reaction you are having or the other person’s motives. You can just be compassionate – be nice. You know what that looks like. Don’t wait for the perfect feeling or motive, just be nice.
One note – remember that being nice doesn’t mean being a doormat for others or always giving people what they want. “Be nice” goes both ways… for you and what you are dealing with. Mutual kindness. Try it for one day. You may find you are further along than you think!
