Blog (8)
Gaga for my Guru pt 3: Give yourself permission
Written by Jonathan Ellerby
In my on-going tribute to the spiritual teachings to be found in pop star Lady Gaga, I want to highlight a profound gift she offers that is often misunderstood: permission.
In most religions and cultures around the world there have been sacred clowns, holy fools, and mystic mavericks that have the special role of breaking rules and norms in order to help the society evolve and grow. These crazy teachers typically live and operate outside the norms of their society and a critical function is to remind people that the dogma and rules of the community are intended to liberate people and not keep them stuck. When we become too attached to our roles, rules and assumptions about morality, they cease to function well.
Our traditions are at their best when they are dynamic, responsive and pointing us to a higher mystery and power than what we control as people.
Lady Gaga defies boundaries and some people think she “goes too far” or “makes no sense” or “offends the dominant cultural norms”… well, that’s the whole point. The biggest trap that most people are caught in is finding the sense of permission they need to make a change, ask for help, or choose a new direction in life. The biggest challenge most of my clients face is not a lack of clarity about what they love to do, but a lack of permission to act on it. When people like Lady gaga break massive taboos and norms, it’s a simple way of saying, “if I can do this, then surely your views, needs and tastes cannot be that ridiculous.”
In what area of your life do you wish you had more permission? Work, family, love??? Remember, permission is not something given, it’s something felt. Don’t wait for permission; choose your life.
In my ongoing saga of Lady Gaga insights and inspirations, I’d like to discuss a theme at her Monster’s Ball that really stopped me in my tracks and got me thinking. She kept saying things about not letting other people tell you who to be, and “choose who you want to be.” At first these don’t seem like very new or original messages. I spent much of last year promoting my book, Inspiration Deficit Disorder, which was all about finding, feeding, and choosing to be your truest self.
But my guru Gaga somehow spoke the same message in a way that translates into a radically different and important message that even I missed clarifying in recent years. In essence, my summary of what I heard in her message is choose yourself, which is different than be yourself. Be yourself implies that authenticity is best and that it is actually possible and better to know who you “really are” sooner than later.
Choose yourself, my new mantra, means that if we really want to be spiritual about all things, than we have to remove judgment even from the embrace of true self. Instead we offer empowerment, education and choice – then it’s up to you. Choose yourself means you can be anything, anyone, anyway, but you have to accept the consequences. If you want health and happiness, then of course I’d advise you to choose your most authentic self for a million reasons that I and a million others have written about. BUT, in the end it is still your choice. Maybe you don’t feel up to the journey of self-discovery, maybe you need to explore your shadow, or may you have some mistakes you need to make and learn from! There a so many paths a person takes in a life in order to learn, to love, to grow, to explore. They might not all be “authentic” in some abstract ultimate sense, but they are all choices and that’s what matters.
CHOOSE YOURSELF is about knowing your identity is not fixed and that we choose our stories, actions, assumptions and how we treat others and let them treat us every day. The wisdom of choose yourself lies not in the promise of a perfect life, or advice on what to choose, but instead it is about freedom, permission and awareness that identity and self-concept is a choice. It’s a powerful idea because it shapes your health, your mental state, your relationships, and your experience of the world. You can wake up and say “I am a healer” or “I am a renegade” or “I am an artist” or “I am a financial wizard” or “I am a gleaming spark of God” – it’s a choice. But as they say, with great power comes great responsibility. Once you have made your choice, can you live it fully? Can you be consistent? Will you be accountable? And in the end, if you need to, will you learn and grow and change and then choose yourself again? My tip for today, every day you wake up, take a few deep breaths, and choose yourself.
Ok, so to begin, I am not a big fan of TV or pop culture in general, and while I think everything has its place in the world, I wasn’t overly interested in Lady Gaga a week ago. I certainly knew who she was and of course lots of her songs are catchy – but a “meat suit” – really??? It just didn’t seem worth following.
Then came my mom’s 70th birthday and my wife and I wanted to do something fun, memorable and uniquely honoring my mother’s eternal youth, love of rock and pop culture and wildly open mindedness… so what else could we do? We took her to the hippest biggest tour of the season: LADY GAGA MONSTER’S BALL.
My mom and wife LOVED every minute of the journey – from the moment they started to plan their “outfits” to the dinner before (at a restaurant full of insanely dressed Gaga fans) and of course the “Broadway, meets Madonna, meets LSD, meets a massive LGBT pride parade, future disco rave” show itself…
Me, well….
If you don’t know me, I have a PhD in Comparative Religion, I am an ordained interfaith minister, trained as a chaplain, and business consultant and author of a few books including “Return to the Sacred” and “Inspiration Deficit Disorder,” both with Hay House books. I have been a director at Canyon Ranch Health resorts, an executive director at a major Canadian healthcare management company, and have been featured as an expert in books, films, radio, TV – the likes of Larry King Live, Yoga Journal, In Session TV, CNN, etc. etc. etc.
Why do I say all this? To blow my own horn? To promote myself? No. I say these things to make my comments very clear.
As of March 26, 2011, the night of the Monster’s Ball, The Gaga is my Guru!!!
No, really! I loved this show and the woman herself! It was fantastic . My taste in clothing (or lack of it) and music is not always the same as hers, but she embodies something extraordinary and I have to honor it and follow it. Who knows if she was always like this, or not, or why she started on this road or not… Gossip is gossip and you can judge the past all you like. But in this moment she has been transformed into more than an icon and she is using her status to raise huge amounts of money for charity, huge amounts of awareness for disenfranchised groups and maintains a bizarre kind of artistic integrity that shows that you can be in the world and not of it at the same time.
That’s why I am going to dedicate a mini-blog series to the Wisdom of Lady Gaga (as I see it). If you love her it is worth reading, but if you don’t get her yet, it makes it more worth reading…!
So, before concluding Gaga for my Guru part 1, I want to highlight the three core messages she repeated again and again in her show.
- Charity: Vote with your money, support charities, get involved, get educated and align yourself with brands that support your beliefs. Don’t be an ignorant contributor to what you don’t agree with.
- Love Yourself: Its basic, but a universal spiritual and psychologically healing message. This isn’t about narcissism. This is about believing in your innate goodness no matter how high, low, on or off you make think you are. At least know that you are lovable, right now without exception.
- Don’t Let Others Tell You Who To Be: Whether it is about how to be a good mother, a powerful man, your sexuality, ideas success, appearance, you name it – define yourself from within. Trust your intuition, your calling, your passions and sense of purpose and true nature. My book Inspiration Deficit Disorder says this a thousand different ways and gives you the tools to make it happen – but Gaga can do it in about 4 minutes with a song, an outrageous outfit and imagery that simply blows away all stereotypes, sense of judgment and control. It about PERMISSION and FREEDOM to choose.
A Force Of Nature: A Friend Follows Her Calling
Written by Jonathan Ellerby
There are many ways to be rewarded in life. For me one of the greatest honors is not only to work with people to help them on their journeys, but the actually privilege of witnessing change and becoming a part of someone else’s story. In some cases this is more true than others. In the case of Margaret Roach, I literally became a part of her story in her fabulous new memoir “and I shall have some peace there.”
I’ll never forget when we met more than 5 years ago. I was working at Miraval resort as a spiritual coach and she was a very powerful VP in the Martha Stewart Empire at the time. With a long list of accomplishments and accolades to her credit, there was something about Margaret that betrayed it all. I knew she had style and influence and a lot of social status, but there seemed to be another force working inside her: a deep love of nature and her garden. During our sessions wandering the desert or discussing my divining stones in the shade of a mesquite tree, something became clear to me – that Margaret, like it or not, was destined to be a steward of the Earth, a goddess of the garden and an advocate for the natural world. Sure she seemed like a savvy New York executive, but a old school shaman of sorts seemed to be lurking below the surface.
Well, it was obvious to me, but Margaret, with her dry wit and New York style was startled: half surprised and half intrigued that I might see such things in her. Over the following years we connected and reconnect through my role as Spiritual Program Director at Canyon Ranch. I was amazed and inspired to watch the bold and dramatically inspiring steps she took as she gave up her power-position, moved full time to a rustic setting in the Massachusetts countryside and dove into her passion for gardening, communing with critters and writing.
Her website Away to Garden has infiltrated the gardening world like a fertile vine, and her incredible photos, garden guidance and witty wisdom are abundant. Margaret understands what it means to observe, manage, master and be humbled by the forces of nature. Looking back at our times together, and reading her memoir, I truly feel that Margaret is a force of nature herself. MORE magazine thinks so as well, and they have featured a lovely excerpt from her new book – which just happens to feature very lucky Jonathan Ellerby.
I am so thrilled to know Margaret, to watch her new life unfolding and blossoming like the brugmansia she grows. Her memoir is a lesson for our era, consider: significance not success; purpose not power; and staying to committed to what matters most, even when the world wants you to play a different game. Follow your bliss, as Joseph Campbell once said, and see what grows.
Enter to Win Margaret Roach's Amazing Book!
I am pleased to have the chance to share this wonderful book with you--so pleased, in fact, that I've decided to offer you the chance to win a free copy of and I shall have some peace there!
To enter, simply answer this question: Where do find your peace? (or just leave a short comment, if you prefer)
Want more chances to win? Visit Margaret's blog for the chance to win a gift set of my books, "Return to the Sacred" and "Inspiration Deficit Disorder."
Three Questions That Could Save Your Life
Written by Jonathan Ellerby
It is common medical knowledge that the vast majority of visits to the family doctor are stress-related. Moreover, we know with scientific certainty that stress, a sense of despair, and/or a lack of motivation can complicate most any surgery and aggravate nearly any condition. One of the core messages in my book Inspiration Deficit Disorder is that a sense of joy, inner peace and purpose are not luxuries or qualities reserved for the psychologically inclined - such qualities are critical to health in every sense of the word.
Among the many tools I teach and use are three simple questions that could change your life. You can ask yourself these questions when you feel stuck to gain perspective, you can sit quietly and review them every morning, you can review these questions when you are on retreat, or when faced with a big decision. The questions are:
Who am I - really? (Do my roles define me or do I define my roles, am I caught in stories of who I should be?)
What matters most? (Have my priorities slipped, am I worrying about the right things, do my choices reflect my values?)
Which relationships are truly important? (Do I demonstrate honor and respect for those I love, do I appreciate those I depend on, do I make time to enjoy those I feel supported by?)
Ask these three questions as often as you need to until you feel clear and satisfied with your answers. Then after time has passed, review the questions again.
Your answers to these three questions should be your guiding light in difficult times and the vision that keeps you on track and grateful in good times.
He and I met in a rehabilitation hospital in Winnipeg, Canada. At the time, I was an intern in a spiritual counseling chaplaincy program. I was making my rounds, checking on the patients of the spinal-cord-injury wing. As I approached the last room in the long, wide corridor, a pretty woman, about 30 years old, had just left with two beautiful young girls, maybe ages five and eight.
I knocked on the door and a man's bright voice answered, "Come on in!" A bit surprised, I walked in and glanced around the room. One of the beds was empty, and in the other was a young man about 33 years of age. He had a mustache and shaggy shoulder-length brown hair that was brushed back. I introduced myself, and he told me that his name was Alex.
I explained why I was there and let him know that if he needed someone to talk to, I'd be happy to hang out for a while. He asked about the title of my department, saying, "'Spiritual Care,' huh? Is that like religion?"
"Well," I stammered, unsure of his perspective, "for some, it could be about religion. But spirituality is really more personal. It's about how you answer the big questions in life: what matters, why you are here, which relationships are most important—stuff like that. I try to help people answer those questions."
"Ah, I see. I'm glad you do. I'll tell you what . . . I don't know how I'd make it through this if I didn't know them things. But sure as shit, I'm clear about true things!"
Alex's confidence and word choice confused me. "What do you mean?" I asked.
"I might not know much, but I know enough. My dad made sure of that. He said that in life there are 'true things,' and as long as you know some true things, you can get through anything. Now that I'm in a bit of a predicament, I see he was right. The true things always last."
Intrigued, I sat down beside his bed. "Tell me more about 'true things,' Alex."
"Sure. First off, my true things aren't your true things. For me, they've always been the smell of a campfire, the feeling of the soft earth in the spring after the snow melts, the smell of wet hay in the fields, old Chevy trucks, and the music of John Denver and Gordon Lightfoot." He grinned and got a far-off look in his eyes.
"One month ago I was in an accident on an icy road. I'd been putting off getting new tires with a better tread for the winter because I wanted to save money. I was working as a plumber's assistant. One night I was driving home from work and hit a patch of ice. My car started to spin out of control, and I skidded right into a lane of oncoming traffic . . . and bam! I was hit in the driver's side by a big ol' semitrailer.
"My car was pretty much crushed, and so was I. My legs were broken in a bunch of places, and my spine was damaged, too. They say I'll never walk again.
"Who could have seen that coming?! Now we're shopping for a handicap van for me and my wheelchair. My brother is building ramps in every part of our house you can imagine so that when I get home, life can go on. And it will . . . because that's a true thing. Life always goes on—you can count on that. You just have to decide if your life is going to go on!"
"Aren't you angry? You're a very young man to face something like this," I offered.
"Well, I was at first. Mad at myself and feeling guilty for not fixing my tires. Angry at the ice on the road. Angry at the truck coming my way. But then I realize that I'm glad I didn't crash into a car with a family in it. Others could have been hurt. It could have been worse. I could have been killed. There are a lot of maybes in any situation, but I can only face the true things: I'm here and I'm glad.
"I love my wife and two little girls more than the world. That's a true thing. I'd do anything for them, and the last thing I'd ever want is to leave them without a daddy. My family is the most important thing to me. That's a true thing. I've seen other folks in here. They lose their ability to walk, have sex, or what have you . . . and yeah, it's awful. But you know what is more awful is that they get so sad and angry that they lose everything else, too. They pay so much damn attention to what they lost and who they used to be that they can't see what they have. That's what my dad would call a wasted life. I guess they just don't understand true things."
"You have a smart dad," I added.
"Yes, and I'll make him proud. I know he's watching over me, remindin' me to be grateful. I survived, I still have my family, no one else was hurt, and I still got my hands. I was always good with my hands . . . I'll find something else to do.
"My motto has always been to stick close to the ones I love, try to brighten other people's day, and find a way to get the bills paid on time. The true things about me can't be wrecked in a car crash—they're mine and they're untouchable. That's how I know I'll be fine."
I never found out what became of Alex, but I'll never forget the way he inspired me with his spirit and his "true things." I still feel emotional when I think of how courageous and positive he was. Somehow he knew that if he just stayed soul centered, everything else would be okay. I'm sure that it was.
It’s fun how complicated and simple all this personal growth stuff can be. In some moments we become mired in self-analysis, a desire to understand and transform, and the very process itself keeps us stuck. We can become fixed on “getting it right” and “figuring it out.” Other times, it all seems so simple; it’s hard to imagine we were ever stuck.
A simple rule of thumb I remember from kindergarten is, “be nice.” In any given moment, whether its psychologically loaded or an issue of little meaning, you can always take a deep breath, then take another deep breath, step away from the situation for just a moment (in your mind or physically) and then simple ask yourself, “how can I be nice.” It means “how can I bring kindness to my thoughts and actions.” You don’t need to analyze or understand the reaction you are having or the other person’s motives. You can just be compassionate – be nice. You know what that looks like. Don’t wait for the perfect feeling or motive, just be nice.
One note – remember that being nice doesn’t mean being a doormat for others or always giving people what they want. “Be nice” goes both ways… for you and what you are dealing with. Mutual kindness. Try it for one day. You may find you are further along than you think!
Protect What You Love: Re-Define Your Health, Tend to Your Planet
Written by Jonathan Ellerby
When you think about health one of the most significant things you can change is your perspective. The way you think about health, shapes your health. If you think only your body matters, you might eat well and exercise, but then your worry or anger will negate those efforts. If you think you are a body and a mind, you might also learn to manage your daily stress, but then you might not tend to the deeper emotional wounds behind it all, nor focus on a connection to a higher power or the world around you.
The question follows, “what isn’t a part of my health?” Spiritual traditions will tell you that you are deeply interconnected with the world, and what is done to one is eventually felt by all. Science now know the same principle to be true. There is no debate, all of life is interconnected and the pollution in the air and water is as much a part of your diet as what you buy in the store. Everything impacts your health, the world is an extension of your body in a very literal way.
This means that if you are concerned with your health, you should be concerned with the health of your planet. You can’t see your body metabolize Vitamin C, but you know you need it and that your body uses it well. You can’t see the massive oil spill off the Gulf Coast (partially because the Coast Guard and BP Oil are forbidding are controlling media access), but you still know its impacting our world. I am struggling to make a difference and have accepted that I won’t be flying down to help. But I can make donations to charities that are helping, I can write my Governor or Senator, I can ask my friends to get involved, and maybe some of them have connections or time to help. I am sending this blog to all my posts (which breaks some blogging rules) since its one effort to help make a difference.
Because my next book is about the connection between inspiration and health (Inspiration Deficit Disorder), I have found myself talking to a lot of people about lifestyle changes and how to make themselves happy. But true inspiration impacts others and makes the world a better place. And though its unpopular to say, it is not just about being in the world it is also about doing – the core of an inspiration deficit is believing one thing (like valuing nature) and then doing another (ignoring massive environmental catastrophes). This kind of incongruence may not touch you in the short term, but in the long term it may impact us all.
